Puff Daddy's New Year's Resolutions
By Corey Lyons
Contra Costa Newspapers
Dec. 31, 1999
Puff Daddy's New Year's resolutions:
* Launch a new brand of cereal called Honey Puff Combs.
* Attend at least 419 important fashion and awards gatherings, eclipsing my 1999 record of 418.
* Host at least one party a night at my kickin' pad following aforementioned celebrity social functions.
* Remix "Puff the Magic Dragon" and release on Bad Boy Entertainment.
* Study the enduring charm of ancient Egyptian hieroglyphics. (May hold this one until next year.)
* Consider the idea of writing my own song. On second thought, scratch that one.
* Consider a new name for Puff Daddy. P. Daddy? Dirty Ol' Dad? Puffmeister? (Or at least come up with a good explanation for Puff Daddy when people inquire about it at a party.)
* Marry Jennifer Lopez.
* Have an assistant call all media outlets to inform them that Puff Daddy is "secretly" getting married. This will assuredly cause a media firestorm and summon helicopters to the site, which makes it a paramount event.
* Wear a gold frost mink parka to the Shrine Auditorium in Los Angeles for the Academy Awards and have the Bodyguard Squad beat up anybody who makes fun of the fur.
* Pose for at least 12 pictures with social pal Donald Trump, especially if his presidential run is going well.
* Have a little fun try to wear tinted glasses all 365 days, regardless of tough obstacles like weather and nightfall.
* If I fall out of the media spotlight for two straight months, be sure to get arrested for toting a gun to the airport. Note to self: John F. Kennedy International Airport?
* Call Mariah Carey on her birthday and politely ask if she'd like to have an affair.
* Start sales pitch for a new bumper sticker: "Puff This."
* Find a way to wipe out my early biography, which includes a stint at an all-boys Catholic school in a New York suburb. Note to self: bad background for a rap star.
* Divorce Jennifer Lopez.
* Move out of my $2.15 million 18-room Mediterranean-styled penthouse and into a $2.37 million 20-room Mediterranean-styled penthouse.
* Send record executive Steve Stoute -- whom my bodyguards and I were accused in April of physically assaulting with a champagne jug -- a Christmas card and a nice gift. Note to self: Would Steve be offended if I sent him a bottle of Korbel?
Contra Costa Newspapers
Dec. 31, 1999
Puff Daddy's New Year's resolutions:
* Launch a new brand of cereal called Honey Puff Combs.
* Attend at least 419 important fashion and awards gatherings, eclipsing my 1999 record of 418.
* Host at least one party a night at my kickin' pad following aforementioned celebrity social functions.
* Remix "Puff the Magic Dragon" and release on Bad Boy Entertainment.
* Study the enduring charm of ancient Egyptian hieroglyphics. (May hold this one until next year.)
* Consider the idea of writing my own song. On second thought, scratch that one.
* Consider a new name for Puff Daddy. P. Daddy? Dirty Ol' Dad? Puffmeister? (Or at least come up with a good explanation for Puff Daddy when people inquire about it at a party.)
* Marry Jennifer Lopez.
* Have an assistant call all media outlets to inform them that Puff Daddy is "secretly" getting married. This will assuredly cause a media firestorm and summon helicopters to the site, which makes it a paramount event.
* Wear a gold frost mink parka to the Shrine Auditorium in Los Angeles for the Academy Awards and have the Bodyguard Squad beat up anybody who makes fun of the fur.
* Pose for at least 12 pictures with social pal Donald Trump, especially if his presidential run is going well.
* Have a little fun try to wear tinted glasses all 365 days, regardless of tough obstacles like weather and nightfall.
* If I fall out of the media spotlight for two straight months, be sure to get arrested for toting a gun to the airport. Note to self: John F. Kennedy International Airport?
* Call Mariah Carey on her birthday and politely ask if she'd like to have an affair.
* Start sales pitch for a new bumper sticker: "Puff This."
* Find a way to wipe out my early biography, which includes a stint at an all-boys Catholic school in a New York suburb. Note to self: bad background for a rap star.
* Divorce Jennifer Lopez.
* Move out of my $2.15 million 18-room Mediterranean-styled penthouse and into a $2.37 million 20-room Mediterranean-styled penthouse.
* Send record executive Steve Stoute -- whom my bodyguards and I were accused in April of physically assaulting with a champagne jug -- a Christmas card and a nice gift. Note to self: Would Steve be offended if I sent him a bottle of Korbel?
posted by Corey at 9:26 AM
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