Confessions
By Corey Lyons
Contra Costa Newspapers
Sept. 18, 1998
INTERIOR OFFICE DAY
A GUY walks sheepishly through the front door. He sees a DOCTOR slumped in a large leather chair.
Doc: Go ahead and have a seat, Mr. --
Guy: Peabody.
Doc: Peabody.
Reaching into his briefcase, Doc pulls out several papers. He adjusts his glasses and grabs a steaming mug of coffee.
Doc: Now tell me your problem.
Guy (draws a deep breath): I like chick flicks.
Doc spits up his coffee, which spatters his white Polo.
Doc: Oh boy. Uh, don't worry, Mr. Peacock. I've dealt with worse one guy couldn't stop watching "Cabin Boy." He viewed it 26 times during one obviously prosaic weekend. Anyhow, I've got the perfect remedy for you.
Guy raises his eyebrows.
Doc: But first, let me ask you this: What film, uh did you in?
Guy: "Beaches."
Doc: Perfect. Now, I'd like you to take a quick test. Have you seen "How Stella Got Her Groin Back"?
Guy (paralyzed): It's groove, not groin. And yes, loved it.
Doc: Interesting. Hold on a minute.
Doc grabs a nearby folder and begins leafing through it. He pulls out a single page.
Doc: I've got a list of films here. And I'd like a brief reaction to each. OK?
Guy: Shoot.
Doc: "Steel Magnolias"?
Guy: Wept like an infant.
Doc: "Dying Young"?
Guy: Cried for three days, off and on.
Doc: Wow. Uh, "The Horse Whisperer"?
Guy: Two boxes of Kleenex. And a bowl of fudge.
Doc: "Hope Floats"?
Guy: So did I.
Doc: "Terms of Endearment"?
Guy: Emotional stuff. Missed two days of work.
Doc: Uh, "Pulp Fiction"?
Guy recoils.
Doc: Just kidding, friend.
Guy draws a deep breath.
Doc: "Fried Green Squash"?
Guy (agitated): It's "Fried Green Tomatoes." And of course I've seen it. Who hasn't?
Doc: Well, I haven't, Mr. Peacan, but that's precisely my point.
Guy throws his head in his arms.
Doc: OK. I've heard enough. Here's the gig: I'm going to propose a prescription called CAB. It's essentially a dose of macho, which seems to be lacking here. And I want you to try it tonight.
Guy: CAB?
Doc reaches into his briefcase and pulls out two videocassettes. He hands them to Guy.
Guy (reading the titles): "Con Air" and "Bloodsport"?
Doc: Yes. CAB. It's sure to get your testosterone cruising like a Patriot missile. Here's the deal: When you get home tonight, take your shirt off, crack open a beer and enjoy the double feature. Settle into that couch like you're part of it. And get a good bag of pretzels.
Guy: That's it?
Doc: One more thing: Never tell your buddies that you've seen "Sleepless in Salem" without your girlfriend around.
Guy: It's not Salem.
Doc: Whatever. Listen: We've got to get your testosterone soaring north again. And until we do, you're a closet chick flick fan. Don't advertise it. The consequences could be fatal.
Doc leans forward.
Doc: The evolution of man is riding on your shoulders, friend.
Guy: Hmmm. Let me ask you something, Doc. Have you seen "Waiting to Exhale"?
Squirming in his chair, Doc finally throws up his arms.
Doc: Five times. Cried like a river.
Contra Costa Newspapers
Sept. 18, 1998
INTERIOR OFFICE DAY
A GUY walks sheepishly through the front door. He sees a DOCTOR slumped in a large leather chair.
Doc: Go ahead and have a seat, Mr. --
Guy: Peabody.
Doc: Peabody.
Reaching into his briefcase, Doc pulls out several papers. He adjusts his glasses and grabs a steaming mug of coffee.
Doc: Now tell me your problem.
Guy (draws a deep breath): I like chick flicks.
Doc spits up his coffee, which spatters his white Polo.
Doc: Oh boy. Uh, don't worry, Mr. Peacock. I've dealt with worse one guy couldn't stop watching "Cabin Boy." He viewed it 26 times during one obviously prosaic weekend. Anyhow, I've got the perfect remedy for you.
Guy raises his eyebrows.
Doc: But first, let me ask you this: What film, uh did you in?
Guy: "Beaches."
Doc: Perfect. Now, I'd like you to take a quick test. Have you seen "How Stella Got Her Groin Back"?
Guy (paralyzed): It's groove, not groin. And yes, loved it.
Doc: Interesting. Hold on a minute.
Doc grabs a nearby folder and begins leafing through it. He pulls out a single page.
Doc: I've got a list of films here. And I'd like a brief reaction to each. OK?
Guy: Shoot.
Doc: "Steel Magnolias"?
Guy: Wept like an infant.
Doc: "Dying Young"?
Guy: Cried for three days, off and on.
Doc: Wow. Uh, "The Horse Whisperer"?
Guy: Two boxes of Kleenex. And a bowl of fudge.
Doc: "Hope Floats"?
Guy: So did I.
Doc: "Terms of Endearment"?
Guy: Emotional stuff. Missed two days of work.
Doc: Uh, "Pulp Fiction"?
Guy recoils.
Doc: Just kidding, friend.
Guy draws a deep breath.
Doc: "Fried Green Squash"?
Guy (agitated): It's "Fried Green Tomatoes." And of course I've seen it. Who hasn't?
Doc: Well, I haven't, Mr. Peacan, but that's precisely my point.
Guy throws his head in his arms.
Doc: OK. I've heard enough. Here's the gig: I'm going to propose a prescription called CAB. It's essentially a dose of macho, which seems to be lacking here. And I want you to try it tonight.
Guy: CAB?
Doc reaches into his briefcase and pulls out two videocassettes. He hands them to Guy.
Guy (reading the titles): "Con Air" and "Bloodsport"?
Doc: Yes. CAB. It's sure to get your testosterone cruising like a Patriot missile. Here's the deal: When you get home tonight, take your shirt off, crack open a beer and enjoy the double feature. Settle into that couch like you're part of it. And get a good bag of pretzels.
Guy: That's it?
Doc: One more thing: Never tell your buddies that you've seen "Sleepless in Salem" without your girlfriend around.
Guy: It's not Salem.
Doc: Whatever. Listen: We've got to get your testosterone soaring north again. And until we do, you're a closet chick flick fan. Don't advertise it. The consequences could be fatal.
Doc leans forward.
Doc: The evolution of man is riding on your shoulders, friend.
Guy: Hmmm. Let me ask you something, Doc. Have you seen "Waiting to Exhale"?
Squirming in his chair, Doc finally throws up his arms.
Doc: Five times. Cried like a river.
posted by Corey at 9:21 AM
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