Call for Help!
By Corey Lyons
Contra Costa Newspapers
Dec. 4, 1998
"I'm Diane Ladd, from Hollywood, and I want an ambulance immediately." an actual 911 telephone call.
Diane Ladd. From Hollywood. Somewhere, a stunned 911 operator shuddered at such an improbable request. Or removed his headset, and quit.
It was a startling announcement from an artist who has worked on such classic films as "Judge Dredd" and "Rock Hudson."
The gory details: Diane Ladd -- Laura Dern's mother, for those of you unfamiliar with the name -- was working on a new picture called "Daddy and Them," in Memphis, Tenn., recently when a vehicle accident occurred nearby.
The intrepid star wasted little time. She snapped open a cell phone, and arrogantly declared to a befuddled telephone operator that she was "from Hollywood," meaning prompt service was required.
Other than watching Marlon Brando eat a super burrito, few things are more frightening than an aspiring diva. And even fewer things are more frightening than an aspiring diva with a cell phone.
Diane Ladd, in a sudden and perplexing discovery of self, looked down upon the common souls and announced her ascent to superstardom. I twitched.
Hollywood, which has grossed approximately $496.50 from Diane Ladd-attached films to date, was the bolt with which she struck.
If Diane Ladd is a star, so is your neighborhood gas pumper.
It would be like walking inside a crowded Santa Monica restaurant and proclaiming: "I'm Sheldon, from Crockett, and I want a window seat!"
Alas, I have in my possession a special transcript from that disconcerting 911 conversation. Here is a sample:
Diane: I'm Diane Ladd from Hollywood call an ambulance immediately!
Operator: I'm Leroy from Lodi. What's up?
Diane: Hurry up! I'm Diane Ladd from Hollywood!
Operator: Can you please be more specific?
Diane: I'm an actress! You don't know who I am?
Operator: That's pointless. Where are you?
Cell phone static.
Diane: Who am I? Don't insult me. I'm huge!
Operator: I asked where you were. And how large are you?
Diane: I'm not physically large, you annoying little man! I've starred in a lot of movies. I'm a famous actress! Now call an ambulance!
Operator: Chill, baby. Where in Hollywood is the accident?
Diane: I'm in Memphis, you fool! There was a car accident here while I was shooting "Daddy and Them," a new film by ...
Operator: Save the promotional blather. I thought you said the accident was in Hollywood?
Diane: I'm from Hollywood, dork! And if you knew who you were talking to, there'd be an ambulance here already!
Diane Ladd. How many of us out there have their bedroom walls adorned with posters of this engaging star? If you have no idea who she is, or where Hollywood is those of you living in Fresno, perhaps -- do not be ashamed.
Diane Ladd had a bit part in "Judge Dredd," a futuristic action film starring Sylvester Stallone and a motorcycle. The film lasted 118 minutes before heading to video.
Other films to which Ladd is linked include: "Ghosts of Mississippi" (1996), "A Kiss Before Dying" (1991) and "Plain Clothes" (1988). She did earn two Oscar nominations for "Rambling Rose" (1991) and "Wild at Heart" (1990). But Melanie Griffith was nominated once, too. (Contrary to previous reports, Ladd did not star in "Meet the Deedles.")
Her criteria for superstardom appears to be having starred in a random compilation of commercial and artistic disasters. So the next time an officer asks for your driver's license and insurance after you wrap your red Jaguar around a sycamore tree, reply this way:
"I'm (use the name Charlie Sheen or Diane Ladd) from Hollywood."
It may sound odd. But there is a chance that the officer thinks actors are beyond common-man laws. He or she will then ask if he/she can a) get a quick autograph; and b) call AAA for you.
Contra Costa Newspapers
Dec. 4, 1998
"I'm Diane Ladd, from Hollywood, and I want an ambulance immediately." an actual 911 telephone call.
Diane Ladd. From Hollywood. Somewhere, a stunned 911 operator shuddered at such an improbable request. Or removed his headset, and quit.
It was a startling announcement from an artist who has worked on such classic films as "Judge Dredd" and "Rock Hudson."
The gory details: Diane Ladd -- Laura Dern's mother, for those of you unfamiliar with the name -- was working on a new picture called "Daddy and Them," in Memphis, Tenn., recently when a vehicle accident occurred nearby.
The intrepid star wasted little time. She snapped open a cell phone, and arrogantly declared to a befuddled telephone operator that she was "from Hollywood," meaning prompt service was required.
Other than watching Marlon Brando eat a super burrito, few things are more frightening than an aspiring diva. And even fewer things are more frightening than an aspiring diva with a cell phone.
Diane Ladd, in a sudden and perplexing discovery of self, looked down upon the common souls and announced her ascent to superstardom. I twitched.
Hollywood, which has grossed approximately $496.50 from Diane Ladd-attached films to date, was the bolt with which she struck.
If Diane Ladd is a star, so is your neighborhood gas pumper.
It would be like walking inside a crowded Santa Monica restaurant and proclaiming: "I'm Sheldon, from Crockett, and I want a window seat!"
Alas, I have in my possession a special transcript from that disconcerting 911 conversation. Here is a sample:
Diane: I'm Diane Ladd from Hollywood call an ambulance immediately!
Operator: I'm Leroy from Lodi. What's up?
Diane: Hurry up! I'm Diane Ladd from Hollywood!
Operator: Can you please be more specific?
Diane: I'm an actress! You don't know who I am?
Operator: That's pointless. Where are you?
Cell phone static.
Diane: Who am I? Don't insult me. I'm huge!
Operator: I asked where you were. And how large are you?
Diane: I'm not physically large, you annoying little man! I've starred in a lot of movies. I'm a famous actress! Now call an ambulance!
Operator: Chill, baby. Where in Hollywood is the accident?
Diane: I'm in Memphis, you fool! There was a car accident here while I was shooting "Daddy and Them," a new film by ...
Operator: Save the promotional blather. I thought you said the accident was in Hollywood?
Diane: I'm from Hollywood, dork! And if you knew who you were talking to, there'd be an ambulance here already!
Diane Ladd. How many of us out there have their bedroom walls adorned with posters of this engaging star? If you have no idea who she is, or where Hollywood is those of you living in Fresno, perhaps -- do not be ashamed.
Diane Ladd had a bit part in "Judge Dredd," a futuristic action film starring Sylvester Stallone and a motorcycle. The film lasted 118 minutes before heading to video.
Other films to which Ladd is linked include: "Ghosts of Mississippi" (1996), "A Kiss Before Dying" (1991) and "Plain Clothes" (1988). She did earn two Oscar nominations for "Rambling Rose" (1991) and "Wild at Heart" (1990). But Melanie Griffith was nominated once, too. (Contrary to previous reports, Ladd did not star in "Meet the Deedles.")
Her criteria for superstardom appears to be having starred in a random compilation of commercial and artistic disasters. So the next time an officer asks for your driver's license and insurance after you wrap your red Jaguar around a sycamore tree, reply this way:
"I'm (use the name Charlie Sheen or Diane Ladd) from Hollywood."
It may sound odd. But there is a chance that the officer thinks actors are beyond common-man laws. He or she will then ask if he/she can a) get a quick autograph; and b) call AAA for you.
posted by Corey at 1:33 PM
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