Fellow Nominees, You Should Be Up Here, Too

By Corey Lyons
Contra Costa Newspapers
Feb. 18, 2000

Los Angeles Shrine Auditorium. Night. Inside, an unknown man is performing his Academy Awards acceptance speech.

Let's tune in.

Wow.

I never expected this. Never. It's like a dream. Like Christian Slater getting locked inside a Beverages & More.

(Laughter.)

Well, I'm sure your Prozac levels are starting to teeter and wane, so I'll keep this brief.

(Silence, save for a lone cough in the back row.)

First off, I'd like to thank Buttons, my cuddly calico cat. Her support has been unrivaled throughout the five painstaking months it took to complete this picture. Thanks, Buttons!

Also, I'd like to thank the director, whose guidance and vision helped make my performance true and real; the producers, all of whom brought a level of professionalism and commitment that allowed each actor to pursue his or her own artistic freedom; my workaholic agent, clearly among the industry's finest; each and every co-star; the brilliant screenwriters, all 43 of them; the cinematographer, whose depth and creativity made for an ethereal and new experience; my resolute and brilliant manager, whose name escapes me at the moment; Chris, my masterful makeup artist, for her soft touch and tireless spirit; Honus, my driver, for his deft use of the Thomas Guide, and his trademark U-turn on I-405; lovely actress Heather Graham, for spilling out of her Prada this evening; George Bernard Shaw, whose unrivaled sense of fun and sardonic wit made me laugh often, especially "Quintessential Ibsenism" and "Back to Methuselah"; Heidi Fleiss er, never mind; Voltaire, whose writings stressed to me the importance of tending to our personal gardens; the Los Angeles Clippers, for allowing loss in life and finding solace in personal victories; Joel Schumacher, for not directing another "Batman"; Shirley MacLaine, whose verbose tribute to pal Barbra Streisand, which began at the Golden Globe Awards Jan. 23, finally ended this morning; Isaac Newton, for his insightful dialogue on integral calculus and celestial mechanics; my manager's assistant, whose name escapes me at the moment; Starbucks, and each double Venti vanilla-and-caramel swirled caffe latte, with extra foam, consumed on the set every day; the Academy itself for maintaining a sense of honesty and integrity that has helped make this ceremony one of the nation's most respected institutions, despite once offering a nomination to Melanie Griffith; Buttons, my lovely cat, for her unrivaled devotion, warmth and support... "